Coaster Community

Oh Canada!  Oh Paramount Canada's Wonderland.  Oh the bangs, bruises and fun.  The thirteen roller coasters in this wonderfully themed park leave you feeling bruised like a case of peaches in a car wreck after the rescue team has beaten you with a bag of oranges.  It leaves you with a smile on your face.  By the time you've come to your senses, there is another beating around the corner.

At the center of this park is a beautiful man-made mountain with cascading waterfalls that represent Canada's natural wonders.  The attractions are arranged in a circle around the mountain making it easy to traverse the layout.

The park has three noteworthy non-rollercoaster rides.  First and best is Sledge Hammer .  This is a must-do ride - especially for the squeamish.  What looks like a giant four armed robot, turns out to be a joy.  You load two people to a seat, four seats to an arm, and four arms to the ride.  The precision is amazing as you are lifted and swirled and turned and dropped.  You get air-time and G-force on this wonderful, wonderful mechanism that gently places you were you began.  The Psyclone is a deluxe swing arm where you face out and rotate around and around - fun and adventure on a flat ride.  The third flat ride of note is Shockwave.  This seats five persons per arm with six arms to swirl you until you are both disoriented and delighted.  All three flat-rides are worth trying time and time again.

To navigate the roller coasters, I turned to the right after entering the park.  This led to the giant fortress walls of Medieval Faire.  As you pass through the gates and into the courtyard into yon distance sits Dragon Fire, a steel loop and corkscrew monster.  I give it a rating of 6.3 out of 10 - fun, exciting, loopy - not for the record books.

Continuing in the circular trip around the man-made mountain sitting at the center of the park takes you to the Wild Beast - a fairly smooth coaster (for a woody) which rates a 6.6.  The Philadelphia Toboggan Company maintains their reputation for quality with this one.  For being built in 1980, it is testament to the quality of build and ongoing maintenance within the park.  So far, this peach is lightly bruised; but, happy.

Next up in the park is The Fly , a cool green "mouser" with more freighting edge-of-your-seat thrills than any 4 passenger car I've ridden.  It is a memorable 7.0 for going to the edge and beating you back again and again and again.  Things just keep getting better when you take the Vortex, a metal suspended coaster that moves surprisingly fast and has more lateral motion than any suspended coaster in this meat-puppet's memory.  The Vortex gets a 7.9 for being unusually fast and is among the most enjoyable rides in the Wonderland.

Can you expect things to keep improving when the next ride is a stand-up?  Skyrider is an ear banging, metal monstrosity from Togo Japan that is lucky to rate a 5.3 on the fun index.  Bang, bang, went my collar!  Get the Tylenol, the ride is painful.

Continuing around the mountain leads to The Italian Job .  This is a new launch coaster like no other.  Your quick launch leads you to an upward spiral that seems to accelerate as you go up.  It was counter-intuitive and added a lot to the experience.  At one point your car stops, flames burst fourth and you are off again like an animated sling-shot shooting through billboards and splashing through water.  Nice ride that earns a 7.9.

Next up...Tomb Raider .  This flying coaster has a very unusual constantly-moving loading process.  You climb up into the cage in a vertical position resting your chin on the cushion.  That cushion later turns into a choke collar as you go horizontal.  Then, you are moved skyward via a turnstile and the punishment begins.  This ride doesn't flow, it slams.  As you are already in a breathing-vulnerable position, it doesn't help that you are banged against metal bars through a torturous path.  Go to your happy place, the pain will end - just not soon enough.  Maybe it was my fondness for breathing, but I would not repeat this 3.5 / 10 mess.

Top Gun is the park's invert and was somewhat of a disappointment.  Fast and furious isn't always fun.  The seats we designed so that ear knocking became a bigger concern than having fun.  Not smooth, not weightless, not a repeatable event... 4.9 / 10.  Companion called this bruiser "hurteous".  I call it disappointing because it had everything going for it - theme, look and style; it just wasn't fun.  Speaking not so fun, there is The Bat.  On The Bat, riders are pulled backwards and launched through an unyielding corkscrew and a loop. After one trip through The Bat's intense, tight track, riders have little time to catch their breath when The Bat climbs its second launch to take riders through one more time - Backwards!  This can make even cast-iron stomachs squeamish.

Beating after beating after beating eventually made this meat sack hungry enough to shell out $10 for a burger.  Surprise!  Those masochist Canadian's have a nice streak and it leads straight to your stomach.  The "Back Lot Cafe" serves the biggest and best burger in North America…bar none!  Included in the price was a solid half pound of fries that were fresh and tasty and full of tasty Canadian goodness.   I was ready to scratch my unusually good meal up to brain bruises - until my companion pointed out his oversized juicy chicken sandwich.  It wasn't a stroke or concussion - it was good old-fashioned Canadian cooking.

There are two kiddy coasters. Ghoster Coaster and Silverstreak.  Ghoster Coaster is a 5.5 / 10 woody and when they say, “mind your knees”, mind your knees.  Silverstreak is an invert that travels smoothly and is great for a relaxing jaunt coming in at 5.8 / 10 in the fun factor.

My next coaster was the mine car themed Thunder Run .  This baby jets in and out of the gigantic mountain at the center of the park.  You get a double trip through and around the mountain making this modestly sized coaster very enjoyable.  It earns a 6.2 / 10 in this hamburger's fun factor.  Finally comes the Mighty Canadian Minebuster .  This wooden coaster is not only physically large, it looms large in the memory of just about every Canadian that I met.  Everyone seemed to have memories of this relatively tame ride.  As I neared the top of this relic, I became inspired.  It might have been the view, or the bruises or the Canadian flag.  I simply don't know.  But the sight of that  flag at the top of the hill and what it represents (their freedom and openness and fearlessness) took me by surprise...which I must address....

In Toronto there is a sensation that I have not felt in America in many, many years.  They do not live in fear with barricades and fences and metal detectors.  They do not squander their freedom broadcasting futile fears of security and terror and conformity.  Quite simply, they live in peace.  On a side trip to Toronto, I entered their City Hall from a side door (unlocked and accessible) and walked the halls freely.  There were no barricades - no security zones - no body searches.  It was an amazing feeling.

A sense of freedom extends from Canadians who truly respect individuals.  Unlike America, Canada extends equal rights to all minorities.  Selective religious bigotry and judgmentalism are not part of their fabric.  That have removed the many of the fears that foster ignorance, hate and bigotry.  Even Americans, all Americans, are welcome to come, enjoy and marry.  My hat is off and my heart goes out to a nation where peace and love reign supreme.

Good burgers, good times, good God I'm going back!